Pandæmonium - Pt.3

He sit on top of the piano stool that he did not sit for years. He put his hands on the dark brown polished surface of the cover. He stood still for a few minutes, his head bent down, his precisely cut hair was covering his eyes. Slowly he raised the cover, without looking. The old hinges of the cover creaked with this unexpected motion that came years later the last movement. He spread his fingers over the keyboard. He played the first chord of the song that they used to play together. The piano was out of tune, the chord sounded so terribly wrong. He played again, a little bit harder, and again and again and again... Each time he hit the keyboard harder like he wanted it to remember how it should sound. Each hit he waited that it will sound like it should. He gave up after a while, his left hand on the piano, hammers stayed on top of the chords until his tears flowed and dried and flowed again. 

"- Let it go." the soft voice whispered with hidden trace of eagerness in its tone. "You were right. You ARE right. You are not worthy for any of this. Let it go now. You will not regret it." The voice was softer than silk, and convincing very convincing. He listened to that voice carefully, when the ice cold wind of the continental winter was cutting his senses like a sharpened  razor blade. He knew he was right, he thought about this very carefully during the past months filled with emptiness that scared the sleep away. He checked this from every possible angle. Then he double checked it and once again. There were no mistake. 

"- When was the last time we saw the sun?" he whispered. His breath brought a while cloud, disappeared moments later, like it was never there in the first place. His eyes blurred with envy while watching that momentary existence, born, lived gloriously and disappeared without any trace.
"- A few hours ago" whispered the soft sound from the darkest corner of the night. He stated the very obvious.
"- I don't remember." He said. "Can you remind me how it looked like?"
"- It was a distant, cold, bright light. A yellow that is closer to white. Hanging on the light blue, cloudless winter sky. It was like...
"- Did I look at it?
- Yes. You actually watched it carefully while murmuring some song. You were actually...
- Standing here. In the same spot. It was so cold. Why it was so cold?
- We are in the middle of winter.
- I know. But, it was colder than any other winter I remember.
- You are right -again- this time it is colder.
- What do you mean by 'this time'?
- I wanted to say... This year. This year is the coldest winter I can remember.
- I see. It was a weird selection of word. But I agree with both your statements."

The silence was swallowed by the howling wind that made his tears rush to his eyes. He was still thinking when he actually saw the sun. When was the last time he actually felt the warmth? He was trembling. He never actually cared about the cold that surrounded him. He never was bothered by it. "I always prefer the cold!" he remember he shouted that sentence in many different occasions with many different level of soberness. It was a very strange phrasing. 'Prefer over what?' he thought. All he could remember was night and its soothing and dark coldness. 

"- I can't remember any song to sing now" He stated without any emotion.
"- You don't need to remember any. Why would you remember any song?
- I always imagined that I would save the best one for the last. I can't believe now that I have forgot all.
- You see how it is easy to forget. 
- I can see it, I can feel it. Everything will be forgotten. One way or another.
- Sooner or later.
- Sooner or later. I...
- Yes, you will be forgotten.
- As I deserve to be forgotten. Without hurting anyone.
- You will not hurt anyone. Not anymore.
- This is how serenity feel like?
- Yes. Can you feel your loads fading away?
- It is amazing. I feel  that I am much more lighter. I feel that I could...
- Fly!
- Yes! All the heaviness is gone. I am ready to float.
- You are ready to fly! Just let it go" the voice had a disturbing timbre of satisfaction that was tearing the silk it was covered with apart. He could have heard it if he wasn't so drunk with his new found joy. "Let it go" the voice eagerly repeated, while his hands were loosing the grip on the ice cold metal railing. 
"- Let it go, you will fly! I will teach you how to fly! Do not afraid of anything! Ironic! Remember -hahaha- , everything is destined to be forgotten. You are already forgotten. No one will notice your absence. You did an excellent job past year! You did everything I asked you to do. You were amazing. Nobody cares about you anymore. Nobody wants to see your ugly face. You remind them every moment that you broke their heart into pieces." The grips were loosening with every sentence of that silky voice. And it continued."You broke them. Stepped on them. You alienated them just like I told you how! I am proud of you. I am the only one who was and is ever proud of you. I told you didn't I? I told you that it will hurt a little bit in the beginning, but once you bury the sun away, it won't burn you anymore. I told you that when the winter will fall upon us, it would be much more easy to get rid of all these loads that were holding you on the ground. They were pulling you under ground! And you know what is there?! You know what there is under the ground?! Rot! Misery! Suffocation! You know all of them don't you?! You were there! All those feelings! All those stares and looks and smirks and whispers! I thought you how to shut them off! And you, you did great. This time, you managed to shut every one of them off.
Oh boy, you won't be missed. You will not be talked about. You don't have to worry! Nobody loves you. Nobody cares. Actually, you are nobody. You are already invisible. You cannot be felt. You cannot be heard. You are already cold. You already are less important than that white cloud that is destined to be one with the void just after leaving your ugly lips! You're not even a sand in the river that time itself is. You cannot be touched! You already do not exist! And the time will pass, much nicer when you'll be gone buddy. Everything will be better believe me! Everything will flow, much smoother..."

It stopped, his hands re-tightened their grip on that damned metal railing. "That was it" he whispered wobbly.
"- What?!" The voice was screaming in his ears! Not smooth or melodic anymore. 
"- The song. I remembered. Everything will flow" He sobbed. 
"- No boy! This is not the song! You did not remember shit! What are you doing?!"
He sat on on the railing. He lifted his left leg, trembling and leaped over it, then he did the same with the right one. He crumbled to the ground of the balcony that is on the highest spot of the dark house. He was trembling, sobbing. 
"- How I was so blind?" He murmured "how I couldn't see it was you, AGAIN?!" He was talking to himself, all alone, his eyes were shut tightly. "Everything you have said is true. I agree with you. But... But this would hurt them even more. And they would never ever forget it. HE would never forget...." his voice was drowned by his own silent screech that teared his heart, soul and mind apart. He remained on his knees, his eyes tightly closed. His mouth was wide open with his silent wail until his lungs were blown out.

He waited until his body stops shaking, so he could stand up. He stood up slowly, his hands clamped to the wall, reach the door. He couldn't tell if he was trembling because of the cold or because of the life-long stare he gave to the empty eyes of death itself. He brokenly go down the stairs, open one of the doors that he don't remember when was the last time he opened and get in. Put his hand on blond hairs, caressed them gently without waking him up. He couldn't stop his tears from going down. He stood there silently, without even breathing to not wake him up. Then turned back and slowly slipped through the door and went back to his room. Turn on the desk light, took a bundle of paper and a pen. He took a deep breath and start writing the title "The little cheerful fool died today" by "the broken hourglass."


He leaned forward on his desk, to catch the eye of the clown who is sitting in front of him. "Please don't hand me to the architect!" the clown cried. "I had it in my hands. I don't know how he slipped away! I will fix this! Don't hand me over!" He was panicked!
He really enjoyed the misery of the clown, so he remain silent for a few more hours until he started to get bored by the charade. "Don't worry" he said finally, "I can see how his mind is falling apart now. He will be our masterpiece when we are done!" he started to laugh hysterically.