Reunion

- Hi!
- Oh no.
- Such enthusiasm.
- You said last time, you were going for good.
- I thought that I was going for good.
- Yet...
- Here I am.
- Here you are.
- Missed me?
- I...
- I know that you did not.
- Yes. 
- Yet you have summoned me.
- No! What? No. I was good without you. Much better.
- Yeah, each time I'm back, I hear the same. And then....
- I embrace you...
- Like the missing part of the impossible puzzle you are.
- Like an old friend.
- What did you bring this time? Beside the darkness and humidity?
- I'm here to make a peace this time.
- With?
- With you.
- And what you have in your mind to achieve that?
- Not much. I won't interfere as much as the previous times.
- I don't believe you.
- You are not alone anymore. You don't need me as much as you needed before.
- I never was alone! I never needed you!
- hah.. Weren't you alone?
- I had my friends!
- WHERE ARE THEY NOW?!
- I have quit them! I have failed them...
- No. Don't you want to remember?
- I don't. All I remember was...
- Emptiness.
- Darkness.
- Silence.
- But it was so crowded. 
- Yes it was.
- I don't hear anything.
- Because they are not speaking. Not to you.
- Why am I there then?
- Did you have anywhere to go?
- I was lost.
- You were so alone.
- After...
- Yes after that.
- Why there is so much headache?
- Because you drowned your heartache.
- With...
- All kinds of things.
- There is no single color.
- Only grey. Not even a tone.
- Not even black.
- Like mud. Not even a texture.
- You were alone.
- Why? Why would you make me remember?
- I want you to trust me.
- And why I should do that?
- I know that if this time you can balance me...
- I can be actually happy.
- As a...
- Whole.
- I promise you...
- ...that I won't try to...
- ... drown you...
- ... to kill you...
- ... too leave you.
- I am not alone anymore.
- No you are not. And I'm not here because you need me.
- I summoned you because I felt that I can handle you this time.
- I have felt the warmth. Maybe you can look up now.

Tear filled eyes looked at me back.

- You said it would be different this time!
- Keep  looking. Follow the tears.

A shaky smile, wet with tears.

Cycle

Life... is in music.
Music is in each corner of life.
Notes and all those instruments that gives life to them.
A different touch on each, a breath or hit.
Various scales... Each of them covered with another color.
A smile.
A tear drop.
Sorrow....
The titter hidden behind it.
The choir
Friendship.
Fortissimo piano.
Love.
All the sound that echoes from the skies!
Life is not more than every piece that I listen.
Chaos!
Simplicity. 
The melody of the unknown that I've memorized.
Noises. Each one trapped in a body. Bodies are in harmony. The perfect concord of lives which denies the integrity that they complete.
Fortissimo.
Rage!
The rhythmic consistency of grinding teeth and beating hearts. The hot yellow color of anger is turning to bright red of hate!
Rest.
One step back to comforting shadow.
Laying back for a moment. To be able to breath again. Far from the mutter and rush. A very limited number of heartbeats that I can spare for myself.
The tension.
The wait.
Sharpened thoughts that are pitched one scale higher.
Emotions bleeding out of the scars caused by those.
Years imprisoned in these seconds. 
The last stand of those who are condemned to be forgotten. 
The last silent requiem for those who are forsaken.
Dal niente.
Open your eyes.
Memories of long gone dreams that belongs to the loneliest night are approaching to the edge of the consciousness.
Open your eyes.
The mind... that keeps up with the sun. 
Clouds. The eyelids.
Open your eyes.
Bodies blended with blankets. 
Open you ey....

I did!

Thoughts, emotions... Reality!
Get up and take another step to the life.
Crescendo.
The rush. Responsibilities. The effort for racing the clock and outrunning it with bare foot.
Thoughts and bodies that lose themselves in the crowd of faceless names and heavy titles.
Steps that syncopates as the day is swallowed by twilight.
Decrescendo.
Fatigue.
In minds or bodies. 
Exhaustion of the emptiness that call itself souls.
Senesce. 
Getting slower... slowly.
Each heartbeat is weaker than the past.
Each breath is closer to the last.
Al niente.

Close your eyes now.

Sound Check

It's been a while huh? Like a little bit more than 6 years that I haven't actually posted something new. Reposted some old stuff and 2 short stories? 3 maybe? Those were quite different than I used to write and tell. Well I'll give myself a second go. But this time in English.

I don't live in the house, nor in the city or country I was born. I've already been in the middle of a challenge so I said "oh why not" and here we are. Trying to do what I was doing 7-8 years ago. But know with an online dictionary on the second screen.

This URL was already dead since eternity. If I screw up, not much loss. But if I can manage resurrect it....
We will see.

I have removed many posts as they were from a life I cannot remember anymore. Now that I think of, I was unconscious for the majority of the time. So not much lost in my memories. It's a shame that the time that supposed to be fun was so dark. So dark that that even Boogeyman stays away.

A brief introduction maybe? Where the name comes from? What does it mean -not to me-? What was written here and what will be written.

"Kırık kumsaati" means "Broken hourglass". Why this name? Oh.. So many reasons now, so many ones are added on the way. At the beginning it was kind of simple. Sounded cool. It was easy to load some meanings when I bragged about things I wrote. I have answered this question so many times on so many different bar-stool while trying to escape from my biggest fear: living and dying ordinary.

All the reasons about why I will keep this name will be the contents of what I will write.

First I wanted to post anonymously. Then I started to link my posts on Facebook. So, that didn't make sense anymore. I'm Murat. 31 years old Turkish guy. On his way to be bald. Spectacularly ugly and a bit fat. Happily married. "Father" of a beautiful German Shepherd called "Sif". Musician wannabe. Professional dreamer.

Why I decided to write in English? This is my life now. I live in a foreign language. Why adding unnecessary connections to past?

I decided to write again mainly because I have so much to tell and not  much people around that are willing to listen.

We'll see.

And as usual, the song that I had in loop while writing this: